Force the Habit

Fear can have immense power.  One thought, one action by another, one news story flashed before our eyes; sometimes that's all it takes to paralyze us from living.  No we don't keel over, but we do sweat the small stuff. Running an errand can take great effort on our part, and sometimes coincides with a racing heart beat or physical aches and pain that run through the body.  We analyze everything, shrink down into something we no longer recognize, and it's difficult to move forward...sometimes to move at all.

Maybe you can relate to this feeling, and if you can't there is someone you know that does.  It's important to remind ourselves, to remind others, that this isn't the end.  This isn't how we're going to continue to "feel," and fear isn't everlasting. We must fight!

I've been in a battle myself this passed year, maybe longer unknowingly, and there have been a few things that have assisted me in getting out of this murky period. When I reached out for help, I was greeted with love and support; therefore, I believe it necessary to share my growth in my now hopeful persona.

I began to pray.  I prayed for five minutes everyday after a few months of struggling with a seemingly intense form of anxiety.  I even had a timer.  It may seem unspiritual, unnatural, and perhaps even a bit forced.  However, sometimes it's necessary to force ourselves to do something for the action to evolve into something habitual.  It became comforting, not just to ask God to take away this terror, but to pray for others' heartache.  My attention went to people outside of myself,  and believing the best would come to pass for someone else translated into my own form of hopefulness.

In the beginning, I did reach out to others.  Searching for ANYONE who may be feeling the same way I was (sometimes still am).  Although, I wouldn't wish this particular state on my worst enemy, I found relief in knowing I wasn't alone.  Loneliness can bring on it's own sorrows, so talking, going to the doctors, and doing research was a necessary part of my journey to get better.  I found it absolutely crucial, and oh so helpful to have doctors (yes, more than one) say, "You're okay."

You may find this a bit ironic, I certainly do, but I stopped practicing yoga for a short season.  My reasoning may not have been great, for it was rooted in fear; however, stopping is what I felt was imperative.  I gave myself a break, and at first there was a bit of guilt attached to my decision.  Not from anyone on the outside, but it was my internal dialogue that went rampant.  I am a yoga teacher, people come to my classes to rid themselves of stress, anxiety, and here I was afraid of doing just that. Although, I soon realized sometimes we have all the tools we need in our tool box, but it's not always clear how to use them.  I had to get passed my own judgment, and give myself permission to take rest, practice self love, and be okay with slowing down.  Stillness can be scary in and of itself, but usually vital to heal.  After the period of rest, I've gained more appreciation for each asana and the magic of each posture. I wouldn't have recognized that if I didn't first practice ahimsa (non-violence towards myself).

This may not be worth noting, but I thought I would disclose everything that comes to mind that has helped my "journey" to divulge in life fully again.  My mind would race at night.  It became difficult to fall asleep, so I needed a distraction.  I formed a habit, maybe not the healthiest, but I would fall asleep watching the show The Office.  It was lighthearted, funny, and humor is significant attribute in the road to health.  I fell asleep on the couch a lot, and although it didn't do any favors for my back, at the time it felt like I was doing what was most helpful in that moment.  Sometimes going moment by moment is our only option. Plus, Steve Carell is the best, and I can now quote lines from every season of this incredibly funny show! ;)

Lastly, I started going to counseling on the recommendation of a friend.  I was blessed in the fact that my first choice worked out, but if  you try counseling and don't connect with the counselor themselves be sure to try until you meet someone you do share chemistry with.  It's fairly simple.  Different people need different things, and their is no shame in trying someone new.  Most likely you'll be doing some tough work emotionally, and you want to feel safe while digging up an array of roots that cause such turmoil.

Counseling has taught me a great deal, and at nearly twenty-eight years old I feel as though I'm still growing up.  I've learned that I don't always need to be understood.  That I feel what I feel, that is MY truth, and the fact that someone else may not understand my emotional state shouldn't make me feel less than.  I stopped searching for validation from others.  I began to feel empowered, and when distraught I began to pray.  Somehow I associated the idea of always being understood with being loved.  In some ways I put my self-worth into the hands of others, and that is a dangerous place to inhabit to say the least; It's also easy to do, so checking in with oneself, and not taking the words of others so personally it a lifestyle worth acquiring.  It's knowing ourselves, and being okay with the beautiful along with the ugly.

Working through anxiety, retraining my brain, it's all a process.  Such is life I guess :)  This beautiful, sometimes messy, but all in all a life of choices.  I'm doing my best to see the beauty, doing my best to choose joy, doing my best to live fully and no longer to live in fear.   I hope the very same for each of you.  Namaste.

Finding Stillness

After becoming a mother I felt my figurative heart grow multiple sizes (picture the that scene at the end of the movie, “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas”).  My world in a way became so much simpler; all while, in another way, becoming so beautifully complicated.   There lies simplicity while looking at my son, and in that moment having an overwhelming sense of what love is.  Love in and of itself was meant to be simple.  It just is; there are no, “If only you did this,” “If you weren’t so that.”  Love is unconditional.  Within that one glance at my sweet child, I know I am playing the role I’m supposed to embody. Knowing the importance of my influence to this other human is empowering, terrifying, but overall there is such joy in being aware of the fact that I get to be someone who tells him he is precious, worthy, and so so loved.

This is being present.  This is what makes life worth while. 

On another note, after the fog of being a mom to a newborn began to lift, anxiety began to creep in.  My decisions are not just my own anymore. My decisions affect people.  People I love dearly.  I allowed my mind to process information that only served as a distraction.  Thoughts turned into worry; worry soon transitioning to doubt.  My yoga teacher spoke of a friend of hers who once said, “I know worrying works.  What I worry about never happens.” It’s true!  We often let the mind run wild while are bodies then wreak the havoc (stress, aches, pains), all while the things we are dwelling on hold no relevance or validity.

This is not being present.  This is what makes life tiresome and a struggle.

Yoga has a great way of shifting the mind to stillness.  It is a great reminder to shut out the excess, the unimportant, and to let go of things we cannot control.  I am not saying, do not care for those around the world or don’t empathize with those outside of yourself that are hurting, but I am saying DO NOT allow the mind to be cluttered.  If the mind is noisy, life quickly can become overwhelming.

Next time, before hitting the mat, think of something/someone you or grateful for. 

Perhaps turn the corners of your mouth slightly up, and allow yourself to find stillness; it leads to now.  It is a choice.

Namaste.

Be.

Yoga means something different to everyone.  To some it’s a way of life, something you take off the mat and incorporate in every aspect of your daily routine; To others it’s a fad, something only temporary you visit on Wednesday nights at 7pm…near the door…fifteen minutes early (no one better be in YOUR spot!).  Whatever your mindset, whatever your reason it’s okay. Getting on your mat, practicing when you can, or when you feel like it, is enough.  As a yoga teacher it isn’t my job to criticize or question your motives for coming to class.  I’m proud of you for being there, for showing up for that hour, and simply being on your mat.  That’s all anyone can ever ask of us isn’t it?  “Being” there.  Truly setting an intention to be present for those who need our love most.  Yoga has taught me just that.   It’s made things less foggy, and is a consistent reminder to “be.”  To be the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend, I, Allison, can be.  I fall short often, but allowing change to occur, retaining the desire to improve, and getting on the mat is what matters.  Keep practicing, yogis! I’ll be right alongside with ya ;)

Tomatovore?

Although not vegetarians, my family’s diet consists of tomato based meals on a regular basis…ESPECIALLY in the summer.  I’m always looking for new ways to prepare this delicious food, and luckily I found two that taste as delicious as they look :) 

Second Guessing

I had only been teaching a few weeks, but I was pleased with how things were going.  My goals initially were to bring something fresh to each class plan, and to somehow keep my voice calm and steady to hide the nerves I was feeling standing in front of unfamiliar faces.  Even being somewhat critical of myself, I knew I was doing my best, and was happy with the flow of the classes thus far.

Then IT happened.  I had just finished teaching for the night when a fellow employee popped in to say hello.   Before exited the room she casually mentioned how a gentlemen told her that I had been using the word “pubic” in my classroom and, “…I think she means pelvis?”  I’m sure my facial expression came off a little confused, and I quickly tried to think of what I might have said.  Throughout my classes I give cues for the students to better understand the actions happening within each of the poses. My response, “I might have said lift your pubic bone toward the ceiling?”  She laughed in my face, “There’s no such thing as a pubic bone!  Maybe you’re thinking of pubic hair.”  My cheeks turned pink.  “Well, there’s no way I said to lift your pubic hair! Was he uncomfortable?” My inner dialogue went wild. “Great, now I have a student that thought I was a pervert! There’s definitely a pubic bone, right? Have I been using the word pubic incorrectly my whole life? “ I wasn’t so certain.  Even with a somewhat extensive study of the human anatomy during yoga teacher training, my colleague’s confidence made me question the existence of the pubic bone, and although it wasn’t her intention, her comment changed the positive outlook I had on past classes.

I immediately called a friend after class, who kindly used the “all knowing” Google to confirm the presence of a pubic bone within the human body. Thank goodness, it was there!  We laughed over the incident, and I knew I could rest assured that the students in the classroom did not think I was a creep or incompetent for using the now infamous word “pubic.”

After looking back, it was somewhat unsettling to know I had allowed someone’s nonchalant comment to have the power to question what I knew to be true, and impacted the way I felt about myself.  This wasn’t a life-changing incident, and yes in my head the situation grew much bigger than it was or needed to be; however, don’t we all struggle with that? My words of encouragement to you (and a continuous reminder to myself) are not to be over critical of oneself.  Don’t take yourself to seriously, and approach everything with a sense of humor.  ESPECIALLY yoga J We can’t control much (i.e., what people say, other’s actions, etc…), but let’s work on what we can: our reactions, what we choose to meditate on, and how we treat others.

Namaste.

Slow Down

“Brush it off! “

“Push through!” 

This world is constantly commanding us to not feel and stay busy; therefore, forcing us out of the present.  Yoga on the other hand encourages quite the opposite.  For most people it enables us to slow down, and to stay in our bodies opposed to consistently being sucked out of it via distractions (i.e. work, television, worry…).  I like what T.K.V Desikachar mentions in his book,  “The Heart of Yoga,” the idea of there being one rule regarding rest:  Take when needed.  This is such a wonderfully simplistic piece of wisdom, and a philosophy yoga embodies.  This yoga sequence above by Colleen Saidman incorporates many twists allowing you to let go of tensions brought on by this world both physically AND emotionally.  Enjoy J

Winter Fruit Salad

It’s the middle of January, and many of us have new years resolutions at stake.  “This is going to be the year I eat healthy!”  And while I agree with the girls from Tone It Up that, “Abs are made in the kitchen,” who wants a bowl of refrigerated baby carrots to snack on when a heaping serving of warm calorie packed mashed potatoes is the only logical food choice to protect you from the harsh winter cold?  That being said, if the food is prepared right you’ll be left with an unbelievable satisfying meal that won’t leave you with a feeling of remorse after eating.  Case and point: Winter Fruit Salad.