Force the Habit

Fear can have immense power.  One thought, one action by another, one news story flashed before our eyes; sometimes that's all it takes to paralyze us from living.  No we don't keel over, but we do sweat the small stuff. Running an errand can take great effort on our part, and sometimes coincides with a racing heart beat or physical aches and pain that run through the body.  We analyze everything, shrink down into something we no longer recognize, and it's difficult to move forward...sometimes to move at all.

Maybe you can relate to this feeling, and if you can't there is someone you know that does.  It's important to remind ourselves, to remind others, that this isn't the end.  This isn't how we're going to continue to "feel," and fear isn't everlasting. We must fight!

I've been in a battle myself this passed year, maybe longer unknowingly, and there have been a few things that have assisted me in getting out of this murky period. When I reached out for help, I was greeted with love and support; therefore, I believe it necessary to share my growth in my now hopeful persona.

I began to pray.  I prayed for five minutes everyday after a few months of struggling with a seemingly intense form of anxiety.  I even had a timer.  It may seem unspiritual, unnatural, and perhaps even a bit forced.  However, sometimes it's necessary to force ourselves to do something for the action to evolve into something habitual.  It became comforting, not just to ask God to take away this terror, but to pray for others' heartache.  My attention went to people outside of myself,  and believing the best would come to pass for someone else translated into my own form of hopefulness.

In the beginning, I did reach out to others.  Searching for ANYONE who may be feeling the same way I was (sometimes still am).  Although, I wouldn't wish this particular state on my worst enemy, I found relief in knowing I wasn't alone.  Loneliness can bring on it's own sorrows, so talking, going to the doctors, and doing research was a necessary part of my journey to get better.  I found it absolutely crucial, and oh so helpful to have doctors (yes, more than one) say, "You're okay."

You may find this a bit ironic, I certainly do, but I stopped practicing yoga for a short season.  My reasoning may not have been great, for it was rooted in fear; however, stopping is what I felt was imperative.  I gave myself a break, and at first there was a bit of guilt attached to my decision.  Not from anyone on the outside, but it was my internal dialogue that went rampant.  I am a yoga teacher, people come to my classes to rid themselves of stress, anxiety, and here I was afraid of doing just that. Although, I soon realized sometimes we have all the tools we need in our tool box, but it's not always clear how to use them.  I had to get passed my own judgment, and give myself permission to take rest, practice self love, and be okay with slowing down.  Stillness can be scary in and of itself, but usually vital to heal.  After the period of rest, I've gained more appreciation for each asana and the magic of each posture. I wouldn't have recognized that if I didn't first practice ahimsa (non-violence towards myself).

This may not be worth noting, but I thought I would disclose everything that comes to mind that has helped my "journey" to divulge in life fully again.  My mind would race at night.  It became difficult to fall asleep, so I needed a distraction.  I formed a habit, maybe not the healthiest, but I would fall asleep watching the show The Office.  It was lighthearted, funny, and humor is significant attribute in the road to health.  I fell asleep on the couch a lot, and although it didn't do any favors for my back, at the time it felt like I was doing what was most helpful in that moment.  Sometimes going moment by moment is our only option. Plus, Steve Carell is the best, and I can now quote lines from every season of this incredibly funny show! ;)

Lastly, I started going to counseling on the recommendation of a friend.  I was blessed in the fact that my first choice worked out, but if  you try counseling and don't connect with the counselor themselves be sure to try until you meet someone you do share chemistry with.  It's fairly simple.  Different people need different things, and their is no shame in trying someone new.  Most likely you'll be doing some tough work emotionally, and you want to feel safe while digging up an array of roots that cause such turmoil.

Counseling has taught me a great deal, and at nearly twenty-eight years old I feel as though I'm still growing up.  I've learned that I don't always need to be understood.  That I feel what I feel, that is MY truth, and the fact that someone else may not understand my emotional state shouldn't make me feel less than.  I stopped searching for validation from others.  I began to feel empowered, and when distraught I began to pray.  Somehow I associated the idea of always being understood with being loved.  In some ways I put my self-worth into the hands of others, and that is a dangerous place to inhabit to say the least; It's also easy to do, so checking in with oneself, and not taking the words of others so personally it a lifestyle worth acquiring.  It's knowing ourselves, and being okay with the beautiful along with the ugly.

Working through anxiety, retraining my brain, it's all a process.  Such is life I guess :)  This beautiful, sometimes messy, but all in all a life of choices.  I'm doing my best to see the beauty, doing my best to choose joy, doing my best to live fully and no longer to live in fear.   I hope the very same for each of you.  Namaste.